let the music play

Today started off as a clunker. I didn't get to write in the morning, my early phone meeting was a downer and I couldn't seem to genuinely focus on a damn thing for more than a few minutes at a time. I dragged my inert behind to the gym but my performance there was lackluster. The weight of the world hung right over me all day, the future looming in all its uncertainty.

But then somehow it started to turn. Lots of people visited the blog, I had some nice emails and my roommate made a delicious dinner just because. Then I went out dancing and all of my friends showed up; I danced with all of my favorite people and gossiped with my girlfriends between songs. It was one of those nights were no one seemed to want to leave. As I was driving home, I saw the bright orange moon hanging right over the space needle and remembered that I live in the city of my dreams.

Maybe things are looking up. If not, they'll always be another song, another chance to turn it all around.

let the sunshine in

One thing I will say about the weather in Seattle (which has been particularly abysmal so far this Spring), when it does get nice for a few hours, we don't let it go to waste. Saturday was gloriously sunny and everyone was out and about and in good spirits. You know you're in Seattle when you see people in their bikinis when it's 65 degrees. I also got the happy news of more than on friend's engagement this weekend; it was like the universe knew I needed a little pick-me-up (since the weather and other peoples' engagements are totally about me).

My roommate and I hit Pike Place market for lunch and shopping and when we got back to our building we ran into the cool girl who'd shown us our apartment and the three of us went to meet up with her friend for some margaritas at our local. Her and her friend had been out salsa dancing for the first time the night before and oh my God, did we know about this? It was so much fun! Listening to them reminded me of when I'd first started in New York and how it saved me from the massive funk I was in: lonely in a new city with no friends. And in truth it's saving me now; it's the one place I know I can go to feel better, where I will see friends and have fun and laugh but not have to talk too much. I think everyone needs a place like this; whether it's the beach or the bookstore or the dance floor, we all need a sanctuary.

Where is yours?

break on through

                                                                     may I have this dance?


I had my second lesson with my new favorite tormentor/ dance instructor V tonight. Fortunately it was not quite as traumatizing as last time and I did have the benefit of knowing what I was in for.

I spent most the day after my first lesson pouting about it; dancing had been the one thing that could help me relax lately and now I was stressing about it. Ugh!

I went out to dance that next night and found I was as nervous as a beginner when I hit the floor. What if I had secretly sucked at dancing all this time and it was obvious to everyone but me!? I was overwhelmed by a sudden and unfamiliar self-conciousness. I tried my best to snap out of it and remember some of the things V told me about hand-holds and shoulder and rib movement, about how relaxed my arm should be (I tend to strong-arm my partner a bit, read into that what you will).

And what do you know? I danced really well, much better than I've danced in a long time. After one lesson! But this is what good teachers do: first they break you down and you resent them for it, then once you get a taste of how much better you could be if you listen to them and you find yourself instantaneously devoted to their methods. I know from all the years of blood, sweat and tears I've spent trying to improve my tennis and my writing that in order to have a breakthrough, you have to be broken first. If you want to be really good at something you have to get ready to dismantle yourself and rebuild; to take an honest look at where you are and find a path to where you want to be. It's not so easy to find people who can really teach you something once you're grown up and jaded. You have to both respect them enough to let them break you down and then trust them enough to build you back up, to not just leave you broken.

When was the last time you got schooled?

please don't stop the music

                                                                                   I probably just need this outfit, a watermelon

Until last night, I had been laboring under the impression that I was a pretty decent salsa dancer. After all, all my (non-dancer) friends all seem pretty impressed. I know where the beat is, I know the steps and can do many spins in a row.

Turns out none of that makes me any good.  

According to my new instructor everything from my feet to my fingertips and all that goes on in between is wrong, wrong, wrong. The words ‘stiff’ and ‘dead’ were bandied about more than once. Ouch.

But this is what I came for after all. At some point I noticed that all of the best dancers in town seemed to be coming by way of this one particular studio, so when I wanted to step up my game this is where I went for lessons. Is it painful to learn you are in fact crap at something you thought you could do pretty well? Yes. But it’s also the only way to get better and I know this from all the years I’ve spent working on tennis and on writing; the years spent breaking down and building back up the various fundamentals of these things.

It’s uncomfortable to have someone blow your illusions about yourself away. You’d almost think I’d be impervious to this by now after trying to get published but the truth is, it’s always painful if the thing in question matters to you. And anything worth having is on the other side of this process.

‘Did you have fun?’ my instructor asked after the lesson. I didn’t know what to say to that so I just nodded dumbly (a common theme throughout the hour). I like hard work and I like getting better and I REALLY like being good at something, but the actual moment when you realize how much far you really have to go? If that were fun, everyone would do it.